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Dating after Divorce Advice: Just cuz he’s nice to you doesn’t mean he’s the one

Okay ladies, I need to talk to you.

I’ve been finding clients telling me “Kim, he was so nice, I thought he really liked me.  I thought he could be the one.”   This is after they’ve had sex with them and he hasn’t called them in 2 weeks.  I have to gently, and calmly let them know that:   he was nice,  he did probably like you for that moment he wasn’t the one, and he was just trying to get in your pants.

Wait, a minute, hold up.  Before anyone screams at me for being cynical and jaded I must say this:

Men like sex.

Don’t misunderstand, women like sex too.  But women don’t think about it nearly as much as men do.  Women usually (usually!) won’t try to score with every man they date even if they know it’s not going anywhere.  So when I say a man was trying to get in your pants, that’s more of a fact than an insult.

When you meet a man and he’s nice to you this shouldn’t automatically give you the green light to start buying your second wedding dress in that off white color that is more classy and sophisticated than your first.  And no tiara this time, but just a nice chignon w/ tasteful sprigs of baby’s breath.  But I digress.  No that means he’s just being nice.  Which is what he’s supposed to do. And he probably had a really good mom, who he loves and takes to church on Easter Sunday.

Just because he opens the car door, pays for dinner, and tells you that you don’t look fat does not mean he wants commitment, wants to be your boyfriend, wants to be monogamous, or wants to take you to his next family reunion-where his Easter Sunday church going mom will be in attendance.  It just means that  a.) he was raised correctly and/or  b.) there’s a better likelihood of him having sex with you if he’s nice to you.  Get it?

So calm it down.  If you’re super vulnerable (which you probably are if you’re reading this) don’t have sex unless he’s your boyfriend.  Because you saying you can handle sex without getting emotionally involved is a whole ‘nother blog post, sista.

 

Be nice to yourself,

KK

(my middle name is Kaye. Thank God I didn’t marry a man w/ the last name of Kent or Kardashian!)

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About the Author:

Kim is the co-author of "From Ex to Next! An Empowered Woman's Guide to Dating After Breakup or Divorce." She is also the host of "Divorce Guru" radio show host, as well as the National Divorce columnist for the Examiner.com Kim lives in San Francisco, CA and is the proud mother of two very energetic, very wonderful boys.
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